Thursday, 25 February 2010

Dick for a Day

Last night on twitter, I was bemoaning the fact that I had run out of inspiration for anything intelligent to say on my blog. One quick glance at the title of this post should serve to reassure everybody that not much has changed... but bear with me.

In my house bookshelves take up most of the available wall space. My own personal library is my most treasured posession, and I have to admit to being slightly precious about my books - I have 'sections' and the fiction is arranged in alphabetical order - oh dear, it sounds so anal reading that back. Anyway, on my way up to bed last night after having tried unsucessfully to come up with an even vaguely interesting blog post, I passed my 'womens' section and snatched up a book that I've had for as long as I can remember but haven't looked at in ages. It is a collection of essays by respected women authors and academics, edited by Fiona Giles, and entitled 'Dick for a Day.' I immediately thought (as you would) Aha! Of course! Finally, the eureka moment that I had been waiting for.

You see, at the risk of being struck down by the god(ess?) of feminism, I have to admit to experiencing more than a just a tinge of penis envy myself. It has been there for as long as I can remember, ever since I was a little girl who managed to persuade next doors little boy to let her watch him have a pee. 'Not fair' I remember thinking. Why can't I just pee, shake and go? Having a penis seemed so much more convenient. And so began a number of experiments in which I attempted to master the art of peeing standing up. To be fair I did actually enjoy varying degrees of success with this, but eventually gave up, presumably having learnt as most girls do, that it is sometimes just easier to accept things the way they are.

So now I have in front of me my book, in which the likes of Germaine Greer and Patricia Cornwell discuss what they would do if they had a dick for a day; and I am wondering, what would I do?

I fear that my response may not be a particularly imaginative one. The first thing to immediately spring to mind would be my new found ability to piss up a wall (base, moi?) Clearly there is still a small part of me that has failed to move on from my eventual childhood defeat in this endeavour. So I would certainly be indulging in all sorts of novelty pissing. Then of course one would, without a doubt, wish to be receiving a blow job at some point during the day; in fact lots of sex with a confident and beautiful woman would definitely be on my list. I have often wondered just how different an experience sex is for men, both physically and emotionally, and how much of a social construct the different approaches to sex and relationships that men and women supposedly have really are. Can men honestly enjoy sex with a woman without it resulting in any sort of emotional bond whatsoever? Are they really biologically more driven to pursue sex than women? These would be the sorts of questions I would want my dick for the day to try to answer.

So come on women of the blogosphere, what would you do?

I would also really appreciate getting some mens responses to this post, especially to the questions I have posed to my imaginary dick. What say you?


  1. Crikey I may have to think about this one and come back to you......right, had a cuppa and a Google. Seems the general consensus amongst the gals on the WWW is "stick it everywhere" but other than the blow job which I would want, the rest of the sex I'm not so bothered about.

    The one which made me laugh the most was spending the day grabbing it and shouting "a hee hee heeeee" like Michael Jackson.

    For me, its just not something I've ever wondered about. Now I have, I'd say thanks, but no thanks on the day-trip. What would interest me more would be their thoughts and behaviour, especially when in male only company. I guess that is what you are thinking of too but I doubt the secrets of the male psyche would be revealed in a day. Or am I being too kind?

  2. Do you know what, I don't think I have for one second in my entire life imagined what it would be like to have a dick. I'm strangely disappointed in myself - I consider myself quite an imaginary person (and by that I mean with a good imagination, not a complete fabrication... hmm... anyway...)

    Phew. Well, I guess I better think quickly.

    I think it would depend on the kind of dick. And I'm guessing I'd actually be a man, not just a Josie-with-a-dick which I have a feeling might freak my husband out a little.

    Actually I think I'm over thinking this. Suddenly very grateful for my simple vagina-blessed life!

  3. If I had a dick for a day, I think I would alpha male all my sons until they wished they didn't.

  4. Easy. I'd purposely smash my dick in a car door and then proudly announce, while everyone stared at me like I was mad: "Nope, still doesn't hurt as much as childbirth."

  5. Thanks so much for your comments folks. Much laughter has abounded through my little 'office' under the stairs today. N.S. I can only wish that I had thought of that!