Occasionally I am too sad to write.
I haven't got the energy to think of anything intelligent to say and I haven't the heart to be funny. There is only the day to be done as best I can. I force myself to tie up the niggly little loose ends that have been bothering me. I pay bills and parking tickets and I buy new blades for the lawn mower. I even mow the lawn. I sort out the re-cycling. I wash my hair and do the weekly food shop. I buy the boys new football stickers for their albums and myself some favourite chocolate.
I keep on pushing on because there is no other choice. I am flying this plane - and I'm flying it on my own. And yes, it certainly is liberating, but I don't think I ever truly understood the word responsibility untill I got here. Because there is no-one else to take the wheel no matter how tired or crazy or sad I get. Losing ones nerve is not an option when one is flying solo.
The issue of self disclosure has been on my mind recently. As time goes on my blog becomes a little less anonymous. I let my mother read it, somebody else who has been a part of my life looks for it, finds it, and reads it uninvited. I even go out for an evening with some other bloggers. Words on my computer screen become flesh and blood - I see real women with real lives - and in turn I feel a little more exposed. What to reveal and what to keep hidden when one is now only partially obscured by the screen in front of them?
Writing is the one for me you see. In this small space I can take my sadness or fear or guilt and I can put them somewhere safe. I can do something with them. Something that is healthy and constructive and which does not pickle my liver or alienate my friends.
I set fire to a bridge today. I didn't want to and it made me really sad. So sad that I thought I couldn't write or fly in anything like the right direction. But it turns out that actually I can do both of those things after all because one helps to enable the other. Writing fosters self-reliance.
Apparently the weather's going to be nice this weekend. I think I will take the children out for a treat.