Wednesday 2 June 2010

Do You Ever Miss Your Old Life?

Do you? Ever miss your old life?

It is half term break and my children, as is usual, have spent the first half of it with their fathers. They left Sunday night and so Monday morning - feeling ever so slightly drunk with freedom - I took off down a hot dusty motorway in my little car, turned the radio up loud, and drove for what seemed like forever to see some old friends in another part of the country.

After a couple of hours I turned off the motorway and drove through a major city, coming out the other side into a gradually more genteel and rural setting. I ploughed on through small towns and villages untill I finally came to the small right hand turn off the main road that leads onto some tree lined country lanes, which themselves eventually dwindle after a few twists and turns into little more than a dusty track full of pot holes, the thick mud that for most of the year splatters the bottom of your car, baked pale dry and hard by the early summer sun.

I parked in a shady spot under some trees and got out of my car, opening my boot and heaving my rucksack onto my back. The first familiar sound to greet me was the barking of dogs who came seemingly from all directions to investigate this strange person on their patch. The second was the sound of humans somewhere shouting at the dogs, "Dogs! Be quiet!" I smiled inwardly - for this was a scene that I had heard play out a thousand times in a thousand different places. I looked around at the vehicles and caravans - everything seemed to be in much the same spot as last time - so no-one new had moved on then. Walking up towards my old friends home, a huge converted horse box painted a dark red, I could see that she was sitting outside at a table in the sun making some shutters for the windows of her trailer. She looked up and grinned. It was so lovely to see her, happy and nesting, finally healthily pregnant with her second child after suffering the heartbreak that is recurrent miscarriage for so long.

I spent a lovely couple of days not doing very much really. We had a barbecue and I saw some other friends who were parked up on the same site - one has midwifery exams coming up and so is hard at work on various placements, another is studying for an imminent book-keeping exam. My pregnant friend is actually an author and cartoonist who is - understandably enough - finding it hard to concentrate on anything except her longed for baby. Everyone seemed to be busy with various projects and looking forward to the summer.

I am home now and it is of course wonderful to have my kids back again, but in the same way as always happens when I get back from visiting old friends on traveller sites, I feel a bit of a pang for my old way of life. I miss the sense of community, I miss the camaraderie, I miss the freedom. I miss having close male friends that I don't just socialise with because they are somebodies husband or partner. I miss the festivals in the summer, and the hunkering down next to the wood-burner in the winter. Not that I would go back now - it wouldn't be fair on the children - they are settled in our house and settled at school and we are all now used to hot running water and central heating. Besides there are many many things I don't miss about living on site. It could be hard sometimes, especially in the colder, wetter months. Conflict was always a nightmare to deal with because everyone was living in each others pockets, and then there's the cold hard fact of having to live under the almost constant threat or possibility of eviction. I know that it's easy for me to get all romantic about it when I'm only visiting for two days at the beginning of summer. I know that really I've changed a lot and I've moved on... but... I don't know, just but.

Do you ever miss anything about your old life?

16 comments:

  1. To tell you the truth, this life of mine now is the best I have ever had. There have been a few times I have had plenty of money and wonderful houses and cars but not happiness. My life now is freedom from stress and not many possessions but peace and harmony in my relationship with hubby. Priceless.

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  2. Gappy, it sounds like you had an exciting old life, one worth missing.

    But my answer is yes. Sometimes I miss it. I miss the freedom to be tired (and sometimes hungover) in the morning. I miss the freedom of being able to get up and go, to walk away from a place when I just don't want to be there any more, to socialise late into the night and the next day if I want to.

    I miss the ability to live with less of everything, to not worry if a meal is missed or there is no money for a few days.

    And I sometimes wonder if it was quite necessary to give so much of this away. (I know I need to feed my child though, don't worry!) I just mean perhaps the unknown of having a child (having only one, with very few around me at the time) sent me too far to the other side out of fear that I would break him somehow.

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  3. I think everybody misses the sense of freedom... or at least romanticizes the memory of it. There are always contraints placed upon us no matter what lifestyle we choose. Sure I had less responsibility 10 years ago but I would never have described myself as free or happy. I think I am far freer in my thinking now - because I feel more grounded and happy in my life - than I ever did when I was leaf blowing on the breeze.

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  4. What an evocative post. I can really see the site and your friends. Strangely, I have just written a post about the rat race and dropping out and travelling and festivals.

    I can see why you would be attracted to that lifestyle. But I don't think we can ever go back. Can we? My life immediately prior to having babies was in television(although I've had a chequered career.) It was very early starts on location, nightshoots, being away for days/weeks at a time. Not at all conducive to a life with children. I miss the camaraderie of a film set - the quick relationships you make (but which fade as soon as it's over). And people say oh wasn't it terribly glamourous and who did you meet and I think - oh yes, and then I think no it actually wasn't. It was dealing with egos and temperamental people a lot of the time. So I don't miss that. So like you in a way, I can get all romantic about it and think how great it was, but then I remember standing around in a field. But the freedom, yes, I do sometimes miss that. LOvely post, Gappy. Keep them coming.

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  5. Technobabe, I think that is absolutely fantastic - to be able to say right here, right now is the best place to be - good for you. x

    Flo, It was exciting. This one is far more stable though (not just because of where I'm living but because of where I am personally too)and my children need that stability I think. I can really relate to rest of your comment aswell. If I didn't have children I'd probably just graze - eating when I felt hungry - and not bothering with proper meal times. My kids have forced certain standards that I would never have had otherwise!

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  6. Steve, Yes I know what you mean. I certainly have more of a sense of purpose now.

    Deer Baby, Wow your old job does sound really interesting. I know what you mean when you talk about quick relationships that soon fade. Friendships on site could be really quite intense because we were living in such close proximity to each other, and sharing not only our lives but a certain way of thinking, but I only properly keep in touch with a very few people now.

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  7. I think my point of view is similar to those that have already commented - yes and no. Yes, we all miss those heady days of just taking off for the weekend on a whim, staying out till all hours and not worrying about getting up in the morning with a hangover. I think, however, it is probably just some sort of rose-tinted nostalgia. I don't think anyone really misses hangovers, do they!?

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  8. JulieB, No. I can state with absolute certainty that I don't miss hangovers!

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  9. YES! To all above. I do miss my old life. I miss (as everyone who knows me hears again and again) the summer, the sun, the surf, the sea. I miss living by the beach and the fresh food and friends. I miss people who've known me for longer than 20 months. I miss my standard of living and my home...so many things. I actually can't list them for fear of bursting into tears. I miss them keenly.

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  10. Vegemitevix, Ah that's hard. Is it possible for you to go back for visits occasionally?

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  11. I suppose when the kids were smaller I missed sleep quite dreadfully but now they are fully trained HURRAH to if they happen to wake at 6 to go down and watch TV that is that nightmare solved. Other than that yes I certainly do miss that heady sense of freedom, how spontaneous everything was to just go to Europe on a whim or to a party or just to do whatever the heck one liked. Still I think having kids has made me less selfish that's the plus side!

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  12. I've had kids for so long I've forgotten what my old life was!! I do remember fondly my university days and think back to them as some of the best. I wish I had realised how free I was then and how exciting life was. It's great that you get a chance to go back occasionally. Dipping in and out is perhaps the best way. I love stealing moments away from my kids and just spend time with myself. Whatever I am doing it reminds I am more than just a mother.

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  13. Yes, I really do sometimes. But I wouldn't go back to them now. That was then, this is now. Both were right at the time. But I'd like to be able to read for a bit and remember a bit more of who I am every once in a while! x

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  14. Do I ever! I miss being able to sleep, eat, read without interruption. I miss being relatively lacking in responsibilities. I miss the possibility of free time after the work day. But I suppose I suffer from a case of "the grass is always greener" syndrome and I know I would long for the life I have if I ever lost it. That's the great things about little holidays - they give us a break in the routine and a taste of the extraordinary and can sometimes make us appreciate what we have that much more.

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  15. I was pregnant at 16, have never been a grown up without children - so I don't have an old life to miss.

    Sometimes I miss the thought of what that life might have been, I miss the idea of being able to spend a whole weekend doing just what I want, my week not being structured around the school day, but then I know I've got all that to come once the girls have grown up.

    I reckon I'll appreciate it much more in my 40s having that sort of freedom for the first time!

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