Thursday, 15 July 2010

Technical Glitches and Secret Crushes

This last week my computer, or rather my internet connection, has been down. I say down, a tiny thread of snail paced connection has in fact stayed up and running but everything has been taking sooooo long to load - indeed if it will load at all - that attempting to do the simplest thing on line has turned into more of an exercise in hair tearing frustration than anything else.

I say frustration, actually what I mean is white hot raging fury. It's always the little things that get to me. I'm pretty patient with the children, I manage to co-exist perfectly peacefully alongside all manner of idiots with whom I am expected to share the planet, and although injustice and inequality can sometimes make me angry, it is for the most part in a sad, slow head shaking sort of a way. For some reason (I know not which) it is the lost sellotape, the lids that won't screw open, the radios that won't tune in, and the damn computers that decide it is a good time to stage a go-slow that make me really hopping mad. I think it's called transference, or projection, or something. Anyway, in the end I had to just walk away. It wasn't worth it. I knew during a protracted phone call to the Orange broadband support team when I began to have lurid fantasies about taking a large mallet to the monitor, that it would be better that way.

So in the past week or so, instead of blogging I have been doing other things. I have blitzed the house; it hasn't been this clean since December 2009 - the approximate fateful date on which I first plugged myself into the virtual ether. The children have clearly been set slightly off balance by their newly ordered surroundings and as a result have felt compelled to render things familiar once more by doing their very best to mess it all up again in the quickest time possible. I found a great trail of printer paper all over the house this morning, the Youngest had been making "stepping stones" apparently. Of course - silly me. It's not as if we could use the bloody stuff for anything else after all.

I have also been spending more time with other people. A few days ago I went out to dinner with a small group of friends that I don't see nearly often enough. You know that warm relaxed feeling you get when in the company of people whom you know like and accept you totally? Who know that you can sometimes mess things up royally, but who don't care and don't judge because they love you anyway, warts and all? I can state with absolute conviction that an evening of belly laughs with friends like that really does a woman good. I am current living proof.

This week has also seen me managing to read a book, sort out my front garden, survive one childs birthday and anothers last day at primary school (they have now all broken up for the summer holidays) and last but not least spend a curious and slightly worrying amount of time amusing myself thinking about who it might be fun to go out on a date with. In the end it was a toss up between Captain Jack Sparrow, Jim Morrison and Charlie Brooker. After some serious consideration I plumped for Charlie. Obvious reasons such as him being a) real, and b) not dead, aside - he is for me the ideal combination of cynical, angry and scathing, yet witty, clever and likeable, not to mention a master of the one slightly raised ironic eyebrow expression - so hard to pull off without looking smarmy, wouldn't you agree?

I have decided (I've worked it all out you see) that Charlie and I would meet at some soul suckingly awful corporate 'do' somewhere and bond instantly over how appalling it all was and how much we hated the sort of people who liked these things. We'd sit there being cynical together - Charlie of course also being devilishly handsome and impossibly funny - and then we'd sneak off on our own having realised that really we could think of a million different and better things to do. We'd go on the London Eye and eat really lovely food on a verandah overlooking the river. Then at night we'd break into the natural history museum and marvel at having it all to ourselves. It would be eerie and silent in the dim light and we'd have to try not to touch anything in case we set all the alarms off. Later we'd go and watch some fireworks fizzing around the moon from the top of a huge climbing frame, and then we'd find a really seedy pub somewhere and shoot pool untill the early hours. I would win. You can tell a lot about a man by how he responds to being beaten at pool by a woman. Charlie of course would be suitably impressed and gracious yet doggedly competitive, whilst still remaining - at all times - unfailingly and impossibly funny. No pressure there then.

Now. This isn't going to be a post about how I've had a taste of my real life back and as a result am going to lay off the blogging for a while. Blogging is a part of my real life (oh the joy when my broadband, for no blasted reason whatsoever, suddenly started working again) and besides I'm far too narcissistic to want to stop. In fact this post actually began life as a 'why I haven't been posting post' (I know, I know, yawn yawn) but then took on a life of its own and morphed unbidden into a post detailing my secret fantasy of breaking into the natural history museum in the dead of night with Charlie Brooker.

Deeply Freudian I'm sure. My mother will be so proud.

It's good to be back.


  1. It's nice to have you back. Charlie Brooker is a lucky man. I quite like him but feel more akin to David Mitchell. I don't think there is a female coutnerpart with whom I could fantasize about meeting so I'll stick to Keeley Hawes. Sheer eye candy. As for malfunctioning technology... nothing makes me want to destroy things more than a slow PC. If I had a hand grenade ready I'd pull the pin, I swear, and take the printer and scanner with me all in one go.

  2. Very funny! well, not funny that you lost your internet connection but you know...every cloud as they say. I lost mine this morning for all of 4 hours and was seriously jittery. I love the way you describe the evening out with your friends - how some people just know you, you can just relax in their company. That's just what's it's like. I must do that more often.

    Well, well on the Charlie Brooker front - I hate to break this to you but you do know he's just got engaged don't you? To Konnie Huq! Ex-Blue Peter. He is one of the very few celebs I follow on twitter (do you? you must) because he is so damn funny and I like seeing other tweeters rip the piss out of his hair when he's been on one of his TV shows. He actually made me laugh out loud several times during the election campaign and the longest tennis match ever. In fact I often come downstairs from the computer and regale my husband (who is himself a fan) of what Charlie has said. So much so I think my husband thinks I have a crush on him! It's the humour...gets me every time.

    Nice to have you back.

  3. Engaged? No, I didn't know. Dammit.

  4. I was going to say what Deer Baby said. I read it in Heat magazine. A shocker isn't it? Maybe they'll split up and you'll be in with a chance. My preference would be Captain Jack Sparrow. I suppose a break from blogging isn't a bad thing, I've done it a few times now and it's nice to enjoy other stuff instead. And I know what you mean about spending time with old friends, it's like putting on a pair of really comfy old shoes isn't it? I'm now hoping none of my friends will read this comment and be offended.

  5. Love having you back. You are a great writer! Funny and pithy all at once. Can we get onto your website kids break up this week coming I good to get you all sorted before the hellish hols begin. Luv ya Vx

  6. I was afraid that you were going THERE, that place of I need to blog less in favor of real life. There seems to be lots of that going around. I'm with you though, it IS part of life, a good part. :-)

  7. Sometimes it's nice just to get on with life isn't it? I don't know this Charlie guy but he sounds dreamy...
    I blog on a dongle permanently because we have no broadband in our village, it is so slow that at times I've nearly cried after losing yet another draft post or long comment on someone's blog.
    Ps I am more than a bit excited about my special delivery!!

  8. Glad to have you back. I checked out Charlie Brooker, and while I'm impressed that you're after a columnist, I don't think he's my type. (I'd pick someone more like Jon Stewart--a smart-ass, for sure, whose brilliance and wit make him sexy. I really like wit.) I'd definitely pick Johnny Depp, or hell, Capt. Jack Sparrow from your list. (Jim Morrison has too many issues.)

  9. I live in a world where internet is new-ish and I have created a fist-sized hole in many a monitor... I have to copy every comment I ever write on anyones blog as I know that as soon as I hit that send button the connection will disappear! I then have to revisit and paste the comment frantically until it accepts it!

    I do a lot of cleaning too ;0)

  10. KI am exactly the same, I can mop up untold amounts of urine off the floors, clean up sacks full of toys a day, cope with all sort of infuriating things but God help a stapler that doesn't work or a drawer that wont close properly. I have come very close to picking my laptop up and hurling it out of the window a couple of times when our internet connection slows to a crawl.

    good to have you back xx

  11. Very glad you're back too. I was also starting to worry that you were fading out of the blogosphere. Happy it isn't so.

  12. I think most of us who use a computer a few hours throughout each day get pretty frustrated when something prevents us from using the computer. I get upset and have to walk away and not go back to it till things are up and running again. Your fantasy evening sounds great by the way.

  13. Glad that you're back. I've never had a fantasy about Charlie but the way you describe him I might just start!

  14. What is this trend about 'blogging less and living more'. Lots of people taking a break and I think I would be found in a corner, sucking my thumb, if I couldn't blog! I am on a baaaaad dongle connection at the mo, driving me nuts and yes, I get that projection/transference thing too:) Jen

  15. Just found your blog. Good to meet you.

    I love spending time with friends who know and love me, despite my foibles. I really miss that, in fact, and so your description of it left me yearning for my old buddies (I'm a little isolated currently) in Austin. [sigh]

    Anyway, enjoyed your post.

  16. Your dream Charlie date cracked me up. You'd make a great pair, he should ditch that Konnie bird asap if you ask me!

    Glad you had a trip back to life without blogging. I think its helpful to do it regularly and then return with renewed passion for your hobby.

    MD xxx