Friday 9 July 2010

Playground Politics

The village school my children attend lies just a few minutes walk up the road from our house and is responsible for the education of about fifty children. There are two classrooms; one for the reception class and pupils in years one and two, and the other for the pupils in years three, four, five and six. At the moment I have Eldest Son in one class, Middle Son in the other and The Youngest attending one day a week, although that will all change come September when Eldest Son goes off to secondary school and The Youngest moves up to full time reception. The team of staff is made up in its entirety of a head-teacher, two classroom teachers, one classroom assistant, one cook, and a taxi driver whose main job it is to ferry some of the children to and from school, but who also doubles up as a dinner lady. She's a 'twofer' as my mother would say - twofer the price of one.

The school is very much the hub of the local community and always has a large part to play in the organisation of village activities such as the annual fete, the fun run, and the summer grass-cuts of the village church grounds in which all the parents get together to strim, rake, and then finally wheelbarrow great heaps of grass up steeply angled wooden boards and on to flat bed trucks while the children all run around shrieking and chucking the grass at each other. The P.T.A. is extremely well attended with the majority of mothers going regularly to meetings; indeed if you do not choose to get involved with the P.T.A. and by the same token do not then contribute towards the planning and running of community activities, it tends to be rather frowned upon. The more active mothers huff and sigh and whisper amongst themselves that if so and so can't be bothered to help the school raise a bit of bloody money then why should so and so's children be entitled to free school trips along with their children. What can I say... there's not much to do around here.

Now. There is a small but powerful clique at the centre of the school that has the classroom assistant at its head, her best friend the cook as her trusty sidekick, one of the fathers who is on the board of governors and who has fairly recently split with his partner (he now rents the house directly opposite her) as the third in command, and a few of the other parents as their loyal sniveling minions. They are all on extremely friendly terms with the teaching staff, including the head; in fact the father who is on the board of governors is actually having a relationship with one of the teachers whose class includes his youngest daughter. It's supposed to be a secret but it's a fairly open one really - subtle gestures of intimacy can often be seen passing between them when they think no-one's looking - and so in a nutshell I think it would probably be fair to say that the whole group is rather...um ....cosy.

Funny isn't it how one small group of people can have such a big effect on the wider community around them. One of the ripples cast in the village pond by this particular groups social brick is that of a real change in the dynamics between the children at the school. The offspring of the cliques chosen few all socialise together regularly with their parents and so have very much picked up on the overblown sense of power and influence that their parents have. They shun the children whose parents are shunned by their parents and as a result, something of a two-tier social system has begun to emerge in the village. The strange thing is that all the other parents are only too aware of what is going on. The classroom assistant (who it is quietly felt has far too much clout when it comes to the running of the school) is not well liked despite her position at the top of the tree. She is seen to be something of a bully and a gossip, the sort of person who paints themselves with a superficial coating of sugary friendliness but who is actually rather mean spirited and judgemental, very much focused on their own agenda and concerned mainly with the retention of power at all costs - a bit like David Cameron.

I used to be very much involved with the P.T.A. when Mr S was still living with us and The Youngest had not yet been born. I did the lucky dip every year at the school fete and we would always go as a family to the grass cuts. But these days not so much. The Youngest is too small to be left to roam and play unsupervised at community events while I am busy, and I do not have a partner or any extended family living nearby to help supervise her. Besides I find the group dynamics these days deeply unpleasant - any comments or suggestions made in meetings by anyone outside of the inner circle tend only to be dismissed out of hand anyway - so I've backed off from it all a bit with a view to perhaps becoming more involved again once my daughter is a little older.

Now I know full well that the clique despise me (they barely acknowledge my existence most of the time, often to the point of downright rudeness) firstly for what they probably see as my lack of contribution to the school but also because I just don't fit in with them - never have and never will. They are uber parents and uber villagers, and I'm a bit messy and a bit disorganised and a bit, well.... slummy. I'm not overly concerned by their chilly shoulders, I don't think much of them either and there are plenty of people around that I do like. My main social circle is outside of the village anyway and I find that I much prefer it that way - that it prevents village life from becoming too claustrophobic - however I do know that their superior attitude and air of exclusivity, not to mention their disproportionate degree of influence as to how the school is run, does upset some of the other mums very much and so I was wondering...

Does this happen at every school? Is it inevitable that there will always be some sort of a hierarchy amongst parents? Or is it simply that the community here is small and a little incestuous? I would love to hear about other peoples experiences of school gate politics - what say you?

21 comments:

  1. I just love the word twofer - I'll be using that one a lot from this moment forth. And, it could be worse at the school my daughter attends my ex wife is in the clique and I, most certainly, am not. But, I try not to give them too much to talk about!!

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  2. Yes. It's every where. I've graduated one child from 12th grade and currently have a child in 8th grade. It never changes. I abhor PTA meetings.

    I pay my dues each year, volunteer for at least 1 project per year and participate in whatever else I can to let my kids know I care and that is it. I don't participate nor socialize with other parents. I stay as far from PTA meetings as possible. lol

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  3. Wow, Gappy, you should write a book about that lot! How horrendous. At the beginning of the post I was thinking how lovely it must be to be part of such a close knit community, but can see that it obviously has its downsides.

    I only have the one and he's two so I haven't had to deal with playground politics yet - however he's off to preschool in January and will then go to the attached infant school which is VERY social in terms of parent 'do's' and charity fundraisers etc so I can't imagine it'll be long before I have a ding-dong with someone over the white elephant stall.

    Good for you for not being bothered about their utter rudeness!

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  4. We have similar stuff going on, but as it's a really big school (90 children in each year) it's much easier to avoid the crap. I wouldn't like to be in your situation, but at least you have risen above it. It's a shame if it's affecting the children though.

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  5. Love the line 'I'm not overly concerned by their chilly shoulders.' Can't believe all that canoodling is going on - well, maybe I can.

    Yes, this all sounds quite familiar, sadly. In the very first year of school, when I just had the one, I signed up for all the PTA stuff. They were doing a cookery booklet featuring recipes from the kids with illustrations and I offered to type it up and Desk Top Publish it or at least proof read it. But 'they' - the uber mums - just wouldn't relinquish it. There are tons of instances like this, too numerous to mention. There is a group of mums who run everything - the PTA, the fete, the disco, the cake sales and as much as you try, they will not let their stranglehold go. I do get involved but am used to being bossed around now and they don't seem to want suggestions from other parents who may know something about sponsorship, about maybe doing the raffle differently etc. I'm a governor now and it's just as bad. It's always the offspring of these parents who get picked for appearing in parades etc. Honestly I can't be doing with it all.

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  6. I think it does happen in other schools but the size can magnify the problems. Obviously with a village it can permeate through everything. I can remember practising a speech to deliver to the chair of the PTA remi8nding her that she was holding her meetings in MY school which made ME in charge! Took a day of practising the words byut she resigned by the end of the meeting! Hang in there!

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  7. Shit like this makes me DREAD my daughter started primary school in September. I'm not a PTA person really. I'll help out here and there and always volunteer to run a booth at the school fairs but I don't want to be involved in meetings, fundraising, committees, etc.. Makes my blood run cold.

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  8. Ugh, that sounds terrible. I suppose it happens in my sons school too but I just don't bother with it. I am far too slummy and busy at the moment. There are uber parents at every school, our school is big enough that I don't have to have anything to do with them, lucky me by the sounds of it!! You will have to keep us updated on the canoodling though :D Jen

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  9. Our kids'school also has a fairly close community of parents - not that many French expats in Ankara! But we are so little involved that we don't even know who the 'top parents' are. I imagine they look down on us a bit, but the school is big enough, has enough teachers that it doesn't affect our children's well-being at the school, I think. But anytime we find ourselves at the school gates, or at school events and meetings, my husband and I just stand around looking awkward.

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  10. Alas, it happens pretty much everywhere - not just at schools, though I think in the latter the effects are more damaging because young half formed minds get ensnared in it all. There's a similar set up at my office at work. It causes so much trouble and unhappiness - the few bullying the one's who don't fit in. I seem to be in no-man's land - not fitting in but the bullies (touch wood) can't touch me - I guess I don't care enough to react which bores them after a while. I think you're better of out of their little clique. If it's any compensation I bet all the inner crowd live lives of constant fear and paranoia. Who needs that?

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  11. This sounds absolutely ghastly. For once i am pleased to live in faceless london. Let me know the name of your village and i'll cross it off my list of places to visit.
    But seriously i haven't reached this stage yet, mine are both under 4, i am not much looking forward to it. eldest starts big school in jan, may need to get my battle armour out and dust off.
    Great, if scary, post.

    http://marketingtomilk.wordpress.com

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  12. I havent yet got involved in the "friends" of the school. I am not sure I want to with all this abound!

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  13. I think this type of snobbery and bullying can be found in many forms of society. At schools, in work places, in families. It sounds like you keep a clear head and are not kowtowing or apologizing for who you are.

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  14. This PTA/Uber Parent bulls**t is everywhere. I've seen it wherever we've lived from regular urban state school, to specialist international school to teeny tiny village school like you guys to village secondary school to posh Shire school. The issue for me is how you handle it and it sounds like you've got that sorted. I should imagine its much harder in a small village though as the mother and admit that it was one of many factors which led to us removing Only Son from the village school (though that list does include the bullying, sexual assault and general bloody uselessness of all staff) and put him where he is now.

    Human dynamics. They are a constant source of fascination for me and now I look at situations like this, its easier to stand back and not be so offended. Until it affects my kids. Then the dragon roars.

    MD xx

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  15. aw man, it's like being back at school again, all those groups, in crowds and so on. Staying away from all that as much as possible has got to be the healthiest option.

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  16. This sounds like the synopsis to a new BBC drama! Crikey - complex stuff. My eldest starts school in Sept so I am probably going to experience all this stuff and nonsense then. Not really looking forward to that part of the school years, although I can bake a nifty choc chip cookie so that may buy me a few friends...? Perhaps?

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  17. Hot Cross Mum. My sentiment too - excellent material for a book/series etc!
    But Gappy, you have my sympathy. What can I say? Tough it out. And please don't worry about being 'slummy'. Your children don't mind, do they? And how would you find time for your blog if you wandered around plumping cushions all day?
    My mum was a fanatical (ex-German) housewife. She made, and makes, her family's life hell. Thank god you're not like her!
    And your question - does this happen at every school? My son has attended two ordinary schools in Moscow, Russia. Same thing here. The social life of children of working mothers really suffers as a result. Mums and babushkas who get together at the school gate are responsible for it all. I have a driver who takes my son to and from school so my son's school social life is NIL. He just plays with his neighbours nearer home.

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  18. Hmm, yes this does tend to happen at a lot of schools. My daughters used to go to a large primary school just across the road from us, but I moved them to another school three years ago. Although the reason for moving them was for educational reasons, the parent mafia was also very present at that school. Party invitations were given out according to which parents they liked, and I was always standing on my own in the playground being ignored by the four-wheel drive gang.

    When my girls moved to the new school I noticed an immediate absence of four-wheel drives in the parents' car park. This, I felt, was a Good Sign. And so it was, and my daughter has been much happier at this school. There is still a bit of a clique going on but it's easier to ignore than at the last school.

    Btw, I also work at a small village school - not as small as the one your children go to - and all of the staff get on brilliantly, and I'd like to think we all have a good relationship with the parents. Although I'm not sure whether there's a parent mafia going on, if there is I'm unaware of it.

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  19. Ugh, sounds ghastly. I manage to avoid all of that stuff because a) our school is big enough to opt out, and b) i am such a disorganised, neurotic loon, with no useful skills to speak of, that I don't think anyone would want me on the PTA. Having said that, I am VERY intimidated by one of the mums in my daughter's class, who keeps barking, 'My children are ALL ALPHA MALES', and flicking her highlights in my face at social events so I literally get a mouthful of her hair.
    BTW, so sorry about the job. Ludicrous, and so short-sighted! My blood is boiling!

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  20. You have pretty much described my world! Well up until about a year ago as those uber parents have started to move on. Even more are going this term as their kids are leaving year 6. Luckily the new parents that have been coming in are less like this. Plus our head moved and the new one is (I hate to say it) a man and not remotely interested. The first year I lived here one of the female teachers was having an affair with a dad (they were both married). It was completely scandalous! I'm always thinking I should write a novel about some of the things that go on. Not sure anyone would believe it though. Petty mindedness springs to the lips! Anyway, you are better of being shuned by those people. They would just fill your head with BS. Just blank them back. They are not worth the time.

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  21. It is the downside of a small community I think. I grew up in a small country community and on the one hand it offers a great familiarity, and there is at times a sense of solidarity which can be great. However, it is generally served up with all the other things you have described.

    My eldest starts school next year, so I'll see what it is like then, no doubt. Her preschool doesn't encourage parent participation beyond buying some fundraising thing they have on sale.

    I must say having most of your social circle outside the village sounds like a life saver. Villages can be cosy and claustrophobic, and ugh for the uber parents and their chilly shoulders.

    It always amazes me that a small amount of 'power' derived from a school committee can go to someones head.

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